The guy I'm seeing and I had a talk about us one day. I wasn't sure where I stood and wanted to know, so I asked. He's focused on his job change situation right now and said he can't focus on a relationship right now. Said he likes how things are and doesn't plan to date anyone else right now. Also said if I didn't want to wait, he'd understand. I still don't have my divorce papers anyway (will have the money mid-Febuary) so I said slow is fine. But where I thought we might move a little ahead at a slow rate, we seem to be going backwards. I invite him here or there and he isn't sure what his family plans are, or has plans with so and so or whatever, blah, blah, blah. To the point I've decided to stop inviting him anywhere because I get tired of being pushed away. And he doesn't invite me to stuff. When I have a sitter, we go out. Sometimes he comes over here. But I don't see him more than once a week, sometimes a week and a half goes by.
That's not enough anymore. I'm getting attached and I need something to show he is at least a little attached. I'm afraid. But I don't say anything, because I don't have those damn papers. So I wait. Once I have papers, and his job is settled, then comes the are-we-going-to-move-forward-now discussion. It just frustrates me. Waiting. I am not known for my patience. Although I have learned to at least have patience, it's still frustrating.
On top of that I tend to get a lil weepy sometimes around the holidays. I'll be fine one minute, sad the next. Holiday blues. I'm prone to the blues anyway. But I deal. Focus on Brianna. Find distractions. Or sometimes, like tonight, simply invite Mr. Smirnoff to numb me a lil.
I have my coping mechanisms. Funny thing, they work much better than the anti-depressants I once took in desperation. The blues will pass, I will be fine. I always am. This is just me. "Don't try to fix me I'm not broken."
Next post will be more cheery. I promise. :)
