It's no big secret that I get down sometimes. I've blogged about it a lot lately. I don't intend this to be a big depressing post, it's just something I've been thinking over and want to get off my chest. The fact is I have hit a point in my life where I just want to yell out "YOU MEAN THIS IS IT?!?!" I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything. I have a lot to be thankful for, my girls are at the top of that list. But I feel unsatisfied with my life. I am in a relationship that has been up and down from the beginning, mostly down the last couple of years. Hubs and I are totally incompatible no matter how much he denies it. He escaped years ago by becoming a workaholic and I escaped into cyberspace.
While he was home visiting we hit a sort of truce. He absolutely does not want to end our relationship. We are working on a few key issues in it, but it's hard to discuss other problems when he refuses to see them. Neither of us are going to change so we are faced with this long-distance relationship thing. Even when he is done in Iraq he plans to stay with the same, or a similar, company but work here in the states. That means he will be gone two to three weeks then home a few days, depending on how far from home he is working.
So I get to stay home and play "happy suburban wife". I get to go back to school in the fall, something I have wanted to do for years. My needs and even some frivolous wants are met without me having to work outside the home and leave my kids with someone else a lot. I've got it made, right? A life of ease.
But something is missing. I don't have a lot of friends, but I never needed many. I have plenty of good friends, online and in person. I have my girls, my sisters, and my mom. And even a few acquaintances here in my neighborhood. I shouldn't feel lonely.
But at night I lay in bed alone and there is a heaviness in my heart. Because I'm afraid this is as good as it gets, and I just don't know how to be happy.
12 comments:
Kat, I'm going to go out on a limb here because I think so fondly of you. It's time to move on. From what you've shared, it's apparent that your husband gets to have his cake and eat it too while you're left hungry. You deserve cake but you're going to need to make it. You already have some of the ingrediants you'll need. You have your girls, your mom, your sisters and your friends. Your horse and your blog & buddies too. But you need to go out and find the rest of the ingredients. They're out there waiting to be found. But they won't be if you continue to stay in an empty relationship which it sounds to be. You have much to offer and much you deserve to receive in return. For all we know, we get just one go around, so don't let opportunity pass you by.
*hugs* my friend. :)
Oh honey..*hug*
I dont really have good advice for you..I have never been anywhere close to your shoes. But I will say that if you are having these thoughts then something should change. Im not saying that you should do anything drastic..but something probably needs to change.
It doesnt really matter if from the outside it seems like you should be content.
Maybe school will be a big help. It might be good for you to have something that is just yours.
ok well I have gone on for hours about this very subject with you. I could do it again but I won't. Both anne and sar seem to have it figured out....sound like me don't they? LOL! So I will spare you my soap box _THIS_ time. Get up and GO!
I hope you find yourself & find the peace & happiness you need..:-).
Thanks for visiting my blog.
I'm so sorry to find you sad in this first post of yours that I've ever read.
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, Kat. I will chant for clarity for you, if that helps?
much light and peace to you
Tanya
I always feel that relationships are worth saving...But they need work. You deserve a fulfilling relationship. Some of the "usual" choices, like counseling and such don't sound feasible with your long distance relationship...But I imagine the distance part contributes to your problems. Would he consider doing something that does not involve so much travel? It would be best for your children (and your relationship) to have him around more than a few days at a time.
Just my 2 cents...
There is never a pat answer to these qustions...and we have them throughout life, no matter how "good" things may appear - it happens. The thing to remember, as I'm now reminding myself in my own life, is that happiness comes from within, not from anything or anyone external. As soon as you accept that and understand it fully, any decision you need to make will be clearer. It took me a lot of time to remember that too....
I don't want to sound wrong about this, but I do know exactly what you're talking about. I've gone through times of feeling like my life is lived only for other people and wondering if things will ever be different. I think our early 30s are a time of serious self-reflection and discovery, especially for mothers of young children. As your kids get older you will have more time for self-development (not implying you're not developed, but you know what I mean) and rediscovering your dreams. Whether or not you have the support of your partner does affect how 'easy' it will be, but it does not have to make it impossible. I hope you can work things out for your best! You deserve to be happy!
You know...you and I have a lot in common. I'll always been here as an on-line friend. Of course, since we live so close to each other, I'll be here as a real life friend if you ever need another one. :)
kat..I'm so sorry to hear this.
We learn a little bit about our blogging friends by their comments and their posts and I feel I know you a bit.
I think I understand what your heart cries for and needs because of the type spirit you have.
Over 30 years ago I was in a loveless marriage, I had two choices one was to end my daily pain or leave after 7 years.
I left....sometime later I met my soulmate and best friend and in September we will be married 30 years.
Life is too short to live it without having Love being returned 10fold.
My thoughts are with you sweetie.
Tc
not gonna dispence advice, you will hear enough of it I am sure. But if you ever need to talk or hang out on the messenger you have my e-mail. Not the same as live bitching I know.. but the internet does have a few good things going for it.
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