A Whole New World

It all started with cutting back on expenses. My hours were shortened to four days a week for a few months, over the summer. I struggled month to month, finally in September I went back to five days a week. Things were smoother, but catching up takes time. I had to prioritize. Cable went to the bottom of the list. It didn't help that I absolutely HATE our cable company. I like Direct TV, had it for 7 years, but it's inconvenient in an apartment.

Anyway, I started noticing a disturbing pattern. We were just watching the same shows, the same reruns, over and over. The new shows I watch were all on network channels anyway. Finally, I made the decision to cancel cable. And I did. We have those old rabbit ears anteneas on both TVs (living room and my room). I need to get the converter boxes soon. My mom hasn't had cable for years, and already has a converter box. The channels come in almost cable clear.

I ordered AT&T DSL for my internet service since that was part of cable. I am still saving between $50 and $70 a month after the cost of DSL. And we didn't even have any movie channels! Once we are on our feet, which will be very soon, I plan to use the money we save from cable on DVDs, movies as well as a few favorite kid shows for Brianna to watch. That's the one drawback, there aren't many kid shows on network TV. Before we very rarely bought DVDs. I also want to join something like Netflix. We used to have a Blockbuster membership, but it just became to0 expensive for the monthly thing, and I never remember to turn them in on time just renting them the normal way.

As a bonus, I've noticed the kids don't instantly ask for the TV to come on when we are home. And I don't turn it on right away either. We go hours with no TV going, and we listen to music more. And I'm not sure about the girls, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything at all. I am glad I finally canceled it. :)

I really don't like video games...

...but I gave my oldest a Brain Age game for her Nintendo DS, and this thing is neat! I want a DS!!!

Christmas Eve To-Do List

1. Vacuum
2. Give Brianna a bubble bath
3. Bathe the dog
4. Dishes
5. Febreze all the carpets while dog is quarantined in bathroom to dry
6. Pick up the girls portraits before 2:45
7. Febreze the bathroom once the dog is let out
8. Bake chocolate chip cookies with the girls
9. Leave cookies and milk out for Santa
10. Watch The Polar Express in my room with the girls just before bedtime

I very rarely complete a day's to-do list. Today I did!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Be!
Happy Holidays, whichever you choose to celebrate.

My word cloud

Must See!

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE HD

Quick Rundown...

So Tuesday the Ex says he's laid off. Wednesday, he got the job he'd been wanting for three or four years, coinky dink? I think not. He is going to be working at the Naval EOD school on Eglin Air Force Base near Destin Florida. In an instruction capacity. He went through the school there nine years ago.

So he waited til yesterday to pack up. He's on his way here now to leave Tristin with me. It will be late, very late. I have to get her enrolled in school tomorrow. When I told him we have to get up around 6:30 he said, and I quote, "I don't give a fuck." Nice.

But I'm calm. Things are going to be good, assuming he keeps those checks rolling in. He is afraid of losing his security clearance since I went to child support services last year, so I don't see a problem there. And in a few months I will have the money to finally make it all permanently over. Two and a half years to get a full divorce. Tennessee divorce law sucks.

And I'm still calm. My baby is coming home after almost a year. She will be better, we will be better, things WILL be better. I'm in a better place, I'm calm. And I will get her the therapy I told her father she needed a year ago. Divorce is hard on older kids. My little one was just two when it ended, she doesn't really remember before it was just us. We are going to take it one step at a time.

And I'm calm.

As Seen At Xmichra's and Karma's

ThREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Kat
2. Kathryn
3. Weesie (My granny nicknamed me that when I was born and still uses it.)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. KatEyes
2. KatEyes4
3. Kat

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. eyes
2. smile
3. boobs

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. tummy
2. the melasma on my face (hormone induced splotches! not very obvious except to me but I hate them)
3. tummy

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Cherokee (25%)
2. Celtic
3. not so sure what all else

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. being alone too long
2. if its so dark I can't see (i have nite lites everywhere at home)
3. tornados

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. cell
2. computer
3. caffine
They all start with C!!!

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING NOW:
1. tshirt
2. undies
3. uhhhh...no third thing right now...


THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Evanescence
2. buckcherry
3. ack! I dunno. I change it all the time.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS RIGHT NOW:
1. Reach out by Hilary Duff (seriously!)
2. Keeps Getting Better by Christina Aguilera
3. Good Enough by Evanescence

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Intelligent conversation
2. comfort
3. hot sex

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
1. I am now thinking about sex
2. I'm not thinking about sex
3. I have blue eyes


THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. eyes
2. smile
3. arms

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. blogging
2. reading
3. cross stitch

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. finish my book, but watching Greys...
2. eat ice cream...will after I finish this!
3. hot sex comes to mind...(Dumped monday, daydreaming about what the next guy will look like on thurs. wow. I don't even really want a next guy yet!)

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING/YOU’VE CONSIDERED:
1. Writer
2. Online store owner
3. fortune teller (But not seriously, I would have to talk to too many people.)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. The British Isles
2. France
3. Italy

THREE NAMES YOU LIKE: (Other than the ones I used for my girls...)
1. Alexander
2. Elizabeth
3. Michael

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Publish a novel
2. finish all the crafts I have started or bought but not started
3. See Europe

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I luvs sparkly lip gloss.
2. I cry at some movies, songs, and tv shows. But not many.
3. Realy nice men's abs make me drool

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I notice when hot chicks walk by. (don't want them, just notice)
2. goofy girls that squeal and hug make me naseous
3. I can belch out loud rather awesomely.

Tired

I am so tired right now. Deep down tired. This coming weekend is a four day weekend for me though, hopefully I will get the recharge I need. I don't have too much planned, we don't have a very large family locally. Thursday will probably just be me and my girls, Tristin is coming down for the holiday. Friday their dad is taking them to his mother's. I get them back that evening to take them downtown for Christmas lights and Santa. :) Saturday evening we are having our "family" dinner at my sister's house. It will just be both my sisters, their significant others, my niece, me and the girls. I invited the guy I'm seeing, but he wasn't sure about his own family goings ons. So not too very much going on. Plenty of time just to sit back and relax.

I followed a link...

from my statcounter and came across an interesting way my blog was found.


Click the picture to see it bigger.















Number 4 on Google!!!

Heard from the backseat...

"Happy Birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
you look like a monkey,
and you smell like one too!!!"


My kid is hilarious.

Lyrics of the Moment

Keeps Getting Better
~Christina Aguilera

Step back, gonna come at you fast
I'm driving outta control
and getting ready to crash
Won't stop shaking up what I can
I serve it up in a shot
So suck it down like a man

So baby yes I know what I am
and no, I don't give a damn
and you'll be loving it

(Chorus:)
Some days I'm a super bitch
up to my old tricks
but it won't last forever
Next day I'm your super girl
out to save the world
and it keeps getting better

Kiss kiss gotta tell ya right now
I make it sweet on the lips
and simply knock you out
and shut up I don't care what you say
'cause when we're both in the ring
you're gonna like it my way

Yeah baby there's a villain in me
so sexy sour and sweet
and you'll be loving it

(Chorus)

Hold on
it keeps getting better
Hold on
it keeps getting better

In the blink of an eye
In the speed of the light
I'll hold the universe up
and make your planets collide

When i strap on my boots
and i slip on my suit
you see the vixen in me
becomes an angel for you

(Chorus) 2x

Hold on
it keeps getting better
Hold on
it keeps getting better

Interesting

I find it interesting that when I first started this blog, I would say just about anything. I did not worry about who would see it. I didn't have many friends. I was a stay home mom trapped in an unhappy marriage. I didn't care. I made the blog private for a time because my ex wouldn't stay off of it, questioned me about stuff that was none of his business. When I made it public again I was a new person. I had a job, people I work with, more friends and acquaintances that might come across the blog. I edited all my old entries, hid some posts. I decided to keep some things to myself.

I'm more careful about what I say online now. It isn't that I have anything to hide, it's just that some things are personal. Some things aren't meant to be shared with the world. Some things are best left to private emails and conversations with friends. I love this blog, it was very therapeutic and most likely the first thing that started me towards freedom from a loveless marriage.

It will remain here, no matter how rarely I post.

I been a bad blogger...

Today I reconnected with a blog friend through Facebook. In the process I found that another old blog friend had a new blog and I missed it! My links on the sidebar are all old, some don't even work anymore. I will fix. Soonish. Also I have been going through my own archives and plan to make collective links to old short stories and poetry.

I will be a better blogger. :)

Change is good

I did this a long time ago and found it perusing my archives. I redid it without reading the old answers to be fresh with it. The old one is from June 19, 2006.



I know ~ I'm going to be ok.

I believe ~ in fairies!

I fought ~ for my freedom.

I am angered ~ by controlling asshats.

I love ~ my girls.

I need ~ peace.

I take ~ only what I need.

I hear ~ music.

I drink ~ occasionally.

I hate ~ very little.

I use ~ music to feel better when I'm down.

I want ~ to be a good mom.

I decided ~ to take it one day at a time.

I like ~ to read.

I am ~ happy. :)

I feel ~ good.

I left ~ because it hurt too much to stay.

I do ~ like my life.

I hope ~ because without hope, there is only darkness.

I dream ~ of good times.

I drive ~ a long way to work.

I listen ~ the best I can.

I type ~ fast.

I think ~ too much.

I wish ~ for a long healthy life for my girls.

I compensate ~ for my intense-ness by holding back a little.

I regret ~ no regrets. I learn from my mistakes instead, so I won't make them again.

I care ~ too much.

I should ~ relax more.

I am not always ~ crazy! ;)

I said ~ just enough for once.

I wonder ~ how I have changed so much in just a few years!

I changed ~ because I was unhappy, and it affected my children.

I cry ~ very rarely now. :)

I am ~ almost done with this.

I am not ~ a bitch.

I lose ~ patience sometimes, but not as easily as before.

I leave ~ my bitterness in my past. There is no room for it in my future.

I'm Crafty!

KatEyes.etsy.com


Support the arts. ;)

Adventures in Banking

Two months ago my ex gave me a bad check. The account that my ex so royally screwed up is finally, as of Saturday, fixed. Yes, it took him two months to get all the fees paid off. And the bank was very nice to me. I called and explained the problem to them twice and they worked with me, and never treated me rudely. They charged me $75 just because his check bounced. That was before they even took his check amount back out and charged me for my transactions. So beware taking checks from people you don't trust. Even if you wait before using the amount, they will still charge you a ridiculous fee.

Speaking of fees, I have a rarely used account at a bank I shouldn't name. *cough* SUNTRUST*cough* I opened it in the first place for the $50 checkcard offer, while I was cashing a check I had been given from that bank. Every time I go to use the account, they piss me off. You can't cash a check for more than the balance in your account. You have to wait 48 hours to get your money if you deposit it after 2pm. Etc, and so on. It's just a hassle, and one teller pissed me off trying to say another bank had the same policies. Well, I have an account there too, and I beg to differ.

Anywho, I miscalculated this last time I used the account, and aquired a fee of $35. The amount of my mistake?? Three cents. Yep, three lil ol pennies. I emailed the bank, letting them know I generally take the fee when it is my mistake, but come on, 3 cents? That's a bit silly. I was informed that they could do nothing about it, I had to pay the fee. Well that pissed me off, I've never had a fee at that bank in all the four years I've had the account. Give a gal a break. I replied that it was the last straw, I'd had it with their stupid bank and I was closing my account.

They refunded my fee the next day.

Today, I deposited three pennies and cut up my debit card.

Good Times

Brianna started Ballet last week. She loves it. And her little friend that left her school a few weeks ago is in her class! She was so upset when her friend went to a different school. I was sad for her! Dance is even more exciting for her now. And after class we go over to The Fresh Market close by. Last week we bought the most delicious apples. Honeycrisp. If you like apples, try them.

Things are still going well with the guy I'm seeing. He met Brianna a few weeks ago, and the week after went to the mountains with us for a cookout. I like that he tries to include her sometimes. And she likes him. He took us to lunch last Sunday, then hung out at my place for a while. I asked her what she thought after, and she said she liked him and "I played with him." I think it tickles her that he includes her.

Mommy gets time off this weekend. Brianna is spending the night with my mom Saturday and going to church with her Sunday morning. My date's birthday was a couple of days ago, so I'm treating him to dinner and a movie. I think. That's the tentative plan, we sometimes change it last minute. Whatever we do, I will have good company and that's more important than what you are doing. I used to think the last minute changes in plans were what irritated me. Now I know it was the company.

So funny, yet so true...

I owe, I owe so off to work I go.

A couple of weeks ago I was looking through some paperwork at work. Something caught my eye, but I wasn't sure if I saw what I thought I saw. Sorry I have to be so vague. Well I mentioned to my boss that maybe he should check what I saw out. Two weeks later the bookkeeper was let go.

So now I have her job as well as mine. Not totally, the boss and I both work on it. I like it that way, two pairs of eyes are more likely to catch a mistake than one. So now I do accounting, HR, and the small bit of IT a small company needs. I am busy and loving it. Things were so slow before, I was worried about my job. Now I'm not.

I Luvs Halloween

Its early, I know, but stores have stuff out already and I got this new polish. I didn't take a picture, but found one on the web. Here's a link, I don't have the black, just the red. It's called "bloodshed".

I luvs Halloween. :)


Claw Polish on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

What I've been up to

I've spent time over the last couple of weeks going through all of my old posts. Stalkers will notice there are some posts that are no longer there. Since making this public again I've become more self-conscious about what I post. So, now that I've tidied up a bit I will aim to post more regularly. I will aim for twice a week, and expect it to be rather random. Because I am rather random.

On a side note, IE sucks, Firefox rules.

Just sayin. ;)

BTW, when did Blogger start letting you schedule when to post your post??? I didn't know I could do that! Awesome.

Interesting point of view

Found at Wicca.com:

Most Christians quote the following infamous scripture that appears to support their belief that the Bible condemns witches. "Thou shalt not suffer a Witch to live" (Exodus 22:18). Obviously, in the original Hebrew language this word did not mean 'witch'. It actually referred to someone who used poisonous herbs to harm others. In Greek, this same word is translated as 'pharmacopeia'- someone who cast curses, and provided people with poisonous herbs to harm others. Today, we might call that person a drug dealer, and a more accurate modern translation might read 'Thou shalt not suffer a drug dealer to live'. The passage was NOT intended to condemn people who used herbs and magic to help others. So, unless someone is dealing in poisonous herbs or drugs with the intent to cause harm, this scripture really does not apply!

Curious development

I was wandering aimlessly through my own archives, and noticed something peculiar. The text I worked furiously to align correctly with pictures is out of whack.

Why is that?

This and That

You guys remember the guy I went out with back in November? I called him "new guy" for a while. It was kinda on again off again? We just couldn't seem to communicate properly. Or maybe we were just out of sync. Well we stopped going out for a few months, but then started talking again. And then we started seeing each other again. Then stuff happened and we didn't get together for about a month. Work, he was sick, then I went out of town. This coming weekend will be the fourth in a row we've gotten together. Which is a record for us. lol. It's very comfortable with him. We meet up at my place mostly, I don't have a sitter very often. We watch a movie or two, he brings take out, sometimes have a drink or two. And we talk. As in have an actual conversation. Its nice, slow, comfortable. I like it.

And he's a really good kisser. :)

Taking a Trip

Saturday I am going on a trip. I am driving Brianna to my Ex's in Maryland. We are both staying for four days then coming home and bringing Tristin to stay with me for a week. I am also bringing the Ex to pickup his Explorer from his Dad's. That's gonna be fun. So while I'm up there I have to find things to do to avoid being around him. He is supposed to be on his own with the kids. If I could afford a hotel room for the few days, I would, but I can't. And this option was better than sending Brianna up there for two weeks without me. I don't think she wanted to do that.

It will be nice to get away, and nice to see Tristin, but I'm ready for the whole ordeal to be over. I'm not taking my laptop, I don't trust it being in his apt. I don't trust him. So I'll probably be completely offline for nearly a week.

UT Gardens ~ Bloomsday 2008

My Most Random Post Ever

So much to say, so much I've held in. I am planning to open my own online shop. I thought I would use my stimulus check to finance it, but that plan went south quick. I had to use it for other things. And so life goes on. I'm not giving up my shop, it makes more sense than anything has in quite a while. It just has to be postponed. I will make it happen eventually, it's a goal, not a hope. Hopes don't always pan out. I'm done with hopes, going with goals now.

In the meantime I found a site you can sell homemade crafts on for a bit o' extra cash. Etsy.com, I'll put links up to my stuff when I get it done. Need to make stuffs first. ;)

I only work 4 days a week now, so I have a bit more free time and I'm not so damn tired all the time. I still get 33-35 hours in, and I'm saving gas one day a week. I have a 40-45 minute commute including dropping off Brianna, so that's a lot of gas money right now. It's balancing out alright. And that's what I'm going for right now, balance.



Having more time and more energy, I'm cooking more. I made homemade-from-scratch Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chunk cookies last week. I have a recipe for Zesty Tomatillo and Corn Soup. I'm going to make it for the Summer Solstice. I figured we could have a late dinner on the balcony, then Brianna can blow bubbles, she loves that. We can't go on the balcony til 7:30 or so in the evenings because of how the sun falls. Too much direct sun in the late afternoon/early evening.

I have loads of flower pots on the balcony. I have a hanging basket, petunias, zinnias Brianna planted, mint, lavender, pansies, two diff colors of violas, rosemary, sweet basil, Italian oregano, bachelor buttons, and of course my hens and chicks I've had forever. There's a small Jade plant on the little table. Last week I found a plain wooden crate at a craft shop on clearance. I painted it light yellow and put one pot inside it and two on top. Then there's the four wind chimes, and the lights I hung, a small thing of white lights with black little lantern covers on them. I'll take pictures and post later.

Enough rambling for now. I hope to post again this weekend.

It's Summertime...

Summertime
Janis Joplin

Summertime, time, time,
Child, the living's easy.
Fish are jumping out
And the cotton, Lord,
Cotton's high, Lord so high.

Your daddy's rich
And your ma is so good-looking, baby.
She's a-looking good now,
Hush, baby, baby, baby, baby now,
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Don't you cry, don't you cry.

One of these mornings
You're gonna rise, rise up singing,
You're gonna spread your wings, child,
And take, take to the sky,
Lord, the sky.

But until that morning,
Honey, n-n-nothing's going to harm ya,
No, no, no no, no no, no...
Don't you cry — cry.

New pictures...

...added to the flikr account on my sidebar. But a lot of them are private, you have to be a friend or family. I dunno if you have to request that on flikr or what, but let me know if you can't see what you want. I just dont' want the kids pictures out there for anyone to see or copy.

Another Good Day

This morning Brianna and I got up at the ungodly hour of 730ish. We did so to make the 920am show of Kung Fu Panda at the theater downtown. It was really cute, Jack Black was hilarious. Afterwards we had a snack and went over to the outdoor fountain again for Brianna to play. We took a break and bought Snickerdoodles from a vendor at the farmers market once, then back to the water. Those are cinnamon cookies for those that don't know. Then we went home for lunch.

After lunch I put a movie in for Brianna and took a nap on the couch. At the ripe old age of 4 she thinks she's too old for naps. However, when I woke up the movie had stopped and rewound itself and Brianna was on the opposite end of the couch asleep. Silly baby.

We had a snack then headed over to the mall for the Semi-annual Bath and Body sale. Twice a year I get their glycerin soap for $1 a piece. I almost missed the sale this year. Then we popped into Weigel's for an Icee. Every summer all sizes are 69 cents. They have a tiny Brianna size and a nice medium Mommy size. :)

Then dinner of psgetti (that's Brianna speak for spaghetti, the last baby word she's holdin onto) and blowing bubbles on the balcony.

Brianna is in bed now, and Steph is coming over in a bit to hang out with me. :)

A Nice Spring

We are having a very nice spring/beginning of summer here in East Tennessee. Last year was way too hot and dry. We've had plenty of rain so far this year. It's nice, seems more normal.

I had a filling done yesterday, only my third ever. And I think I had a mini-panic attack. The dentist was giving me the shots and I felt like I could't breathe and my heart was going beserk. I motioned to him and told him, but then calmed down. He said I was probably holding my breath and not realizing it or something. But I knew. It was a mini-panic attack. The third one I've had in the last month, only worse than the first two and I didn't think of them as panic attacks, just nervousness. I've never had one before. I guess it's a good thing I've been slowly calming my life and cutting back on stress lately anyway. I think maybe I've taken all I can take.

Today

Today I took Brianna to my mom's. She lives downtown, which is finally becoming more than the homeless hangout it has been for a long time. We even have a movie theater downtown now. So I walked downtown, had a little lunch and went to see Indiana Jones. Fucking awesome. I'm in love with Harrison Ford all over again. ;) He was my very first crush. I was five. After the movie I walked to the square, picked up a couple small pots of sweet basil and italian oregano for my little potted garden on the balcony.

After getting Brianna we went to Home Depot for a few extra clay pots, and I picked up some rosemary and the prettiest little purple petunias you've ever seen. They are so small! I didn't know they had petunias so small. We popped in the grocery store for a couple things and came home. Later Brianna is going to paint on her play table we keep on the balcony while I repot the new plants.

A very nice beginning to a three day weekend. :)

Full Circle

I have come full circle and now I am back to being alone most of the time. Obviously I'm not alone at work, there are four of us in the office. And I have Brianna with me at home, but being with a child is different. I'm talking about adult companionship.

And I figured something out. I'm always trying to get people to do stuff with me. I keep asking and asking and asking because if I don't, I'm forgotten. Even my own sisters. I'm not doing it anymore. I'll just get used to doing stuff alone. I saw Iron Man alone on my birthday. Last Saturday I saw Made of Honor alone, very cute. Next Saturday I'm going to see Indiana Jones alone. I thought about taking Brianna to that one, but she was too restless in Speed Racer last week and I don't wanna miss any of it.

So here I am again, doing stuff alone. I hate doing stuff alone.

Listening to Music

I’m standing on a bridge
I’m waiting in the dark
I thought that you’d be here by now
There’s nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I’m listening but there’s no sound

Isn’t anyone trying to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home?
It’s a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won’t you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are
But I…I’m with you
I’m with you

I thought I would have someone by now. All these years wasted. All that time lost. I’m a single mom. I’ve become my mother. I’m not unhappy. I just miss something. Something I can’t quite put my finger on.

I’m looking for a place
I’m searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
Cause nothing’s going right
And everything’s a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn’t anyone trying to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home?
It’s a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won’t you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are
But I…I’m with you
I’m with you

I’m looking for someone like me. I’m a mess. I don’t fit in. Is there anyone I can fit with? In a crowded room, if you don’t fit in…

…you are still alone.

Oh why is everything so confusing?
Maybe I’m just out of my mind

Alone

Ok, I know a lot of people live alone for years and enjoy it. My mother for one. I hate being alone. I feel like I've been alone for years. I spent ten years in an extremely lonely marriage. Even when he was physically there I was alone. He couldn't connect with me and I don't think he even cared too.

I know it hasn't been that long since I split with him. And I'm really in no hurry to actually live with someone again. I just want to find someone I can really connect with. Someone to talk to and see sometimes. You know?

Figured out something

I have finally figured out why I have trouble getting over stuff. The key to moving on? Very simple. I had to WANT to get over it.

duh.

Lyrics of my favorite song of the moment

If I fell
Remake by Evan Rachel Wood
Across the Universe Soundtrack
***Video at bottom of post***

If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands

If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her

If I trust in you, oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too, oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her
'cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain

So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you

If I fell in love with you

That something...

Both my sisters and a friend of mine are all in great relationships. They aren't perfect, and they don't always understand each other, but they are in love and they work at it. I figured up last night that I haven't been in that kind of love in at least a decade. Things went wrong in my marriage very early and I discovered he wasn't the man I thought he was. I've been lonely all this time. I guess I give up too easily. I've met great people, I have great friends, I've fallen for a couple of people. But I just can't get that back from someone I can return it to. It has to be both ways. I have found it one way and the other, but not both ways. It either wasn't or couldn't be.

Then I wonder, am I destined to always be alone? Maybe I'm just not meant to have someone of my own. I want it. I want a relationship with that something special that makes both of you do your best to overcome anything that comes up. I don't really believe in one someone for everyone. I believe there may be multiple someones, but you have to find them at the right time and the right place in your lives. I'm ready. I'm not perfect, but I am so ready to give love and receive it in return.

On a lighter note, here is the picture of my new tattoo.

Keeping to myself

Something new I'm trying. Keeping things to myself. I'm still happy, imagine that. I'm also still getting over this flu bug or whatever. I just don't have the energy I normally have and I still have a stupid cough. It isn't all the time, just every now and then I get started and can't stop. I stayed up way too late Sunday and Monday night, that didn't help, but last night and Tuesday night I slept good and long. I want to start working out again, I was doing it pretty regularly when I got sick. I just haven't quite had the energy yet.

So that's an update of sorts. This weekend I'm going to rest, get stuff put in storage that hasn't been yet, and try to pick up on the working out again. :)

I'm happy.

Seriously. I'm so freaking happy right now, and I probably shouldn't be. Nothing much has changed. But I'm so freaking happy. I feel really good inside, all settled and peaceful. It might not last, but right now I'm happy. And that's what matters for the moment. :)

That's all.

The One Where I Drink Vodka

Last week I realized that I had a serious drinking problem.


I was totally out of vodka and broke. :(

This week, I bought vodka.


Hence, no more problem. :)

:)

Bubbly
By Colbie Caillat

Will you count me in?

I've been awake for a while now.
You've got me feelin like a child now
Cause every time i see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes i always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Where ever you go

The rain is fallin on my window pane
But we are hidin in a safer place
Under the covers stayin safe and warm
You give me feelins that i adore

It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Where ever you go

What am i gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just........mmmmmmmmmmm

It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Where ever you go

I’ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
Im comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time
Holdin me tight

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go


CodesAndLyrics.com

She Seems Happy

T really seems excited and happy about moving to Maryland with her dad. I know she doesn't like sharing me with B and friends, and my life. I was always there for her and the last four years I've been pulled away a little more each year. She isn't used to him being there a lot. So maybe him there a little is enough? I don't know.

It's breaking my heart. I keep thinking of things I need to tell her. Stupid stuff, like make sure you change your razor regularly. And I need to get her a better facial cleanser, show her how to use it. I keep forgetting her dad isn't a monster to her like he is to me.

I have by no means been a perfect mom to her. I've done my best. I have regrets. I didn't take the time I should have with her. She frustrates me so much I just couldn't deal with her sometimes. Maybe it's better she goes to her Dad. My heart has been through so much the last couple of years. I don't think it can take another hit.

The song in this commercial makes me sigh...

Very me...

Clumsy
By Fergie

Can't help it
The girl can't help it [repeat 3x]

First time
That I saw your eyes
Boy you looked right through me, mmmhmm
Play it cool
But I knew you knew
That cupid hit me, mmm mmm

[Chorus:]
You got me tripping, stumbling, flipping, fumbling
Clumsy cause I'm falling in love
You got me slipping, tumbling, sinking, fumbling
Clumsy cause I'm falling in love
So in love with you

Can't help it
The girl can't help it [repeat 3x]

Can't breath
When you touch my sleeve
Butterflies so crazy, mmm mmm
Whoa now, think I'm going down
Friends don't know whats with me, mmm mmm

[Chorus]

Can't help it
The girl can't help it [repeat 3x]

You know, this isn't the first time this has happened to me
This love sick thing
I like serious relationships and a
A girl like me don't stay single for long
Cause everytime a boyfriend and I break up
My world is crushed and I'm all alone
The love bug crawls right back up and bites me and I'm back

Can't help it
The girl can't help it [repeat 3x]

[Chorus]

So in love with you
So in love with you




CodesAndLyrics.com

New Year Horoscope

You may be feeling simultaneously nostalgic and anxious. On one hand, you enjoy the holidays as a chance to indulge your senses, but on the other hand you're eager for them to be over so things can settle back down to normal. There's no need to rush into the New Year. Your routines will return before you know it.